Twenty-Four

I've never dove so deep without someone by my side,
Or someone grasping my ankles as we desended.
Not to say I haven't been looking for that one,
But I feel better leaving all of their souls in-tact.
I wish I could say the same of the flesh and bone.
But I left that cliché gnawed and broken,
Stuck and stuffed and starving for more.
* * *
Today I got a great deal on apathy and being alone.
I've never seen the price this low; I bought in bulk.
So I will slowly chip away at this brick of banality,
Too preoccupied to get in anyone's way.
And no one will get hurt.
No one will get lost.
No one will get mad.

DEAR SARAH

If I'm gonna start living,
Something else is gonna have to go.
It looks like it might be hygiene
Or love for other people.

I could hear them talking about me:
"Two-and-a-half weeks is way too long for me to be in there."
I don't want all that free time to remember I'm going to die.
"It's just that age when nothing fits."

Brotherly Baffled. Sisterly Selfish.
I'm not sure it's worth it to tell you I'm doing well,
Because even I don't really believe it.
It's not a lie, it's just so wrong.

FOG

We used to be scared that the world is ending,
Now we are just curious.
I think it will be colorful.

My sister and brother keep dreaming I'm dead.
I don't know what to tell them besides, "I'll try not to."
I thought I was done playing Subtle Suicide,
But these omens are raping me of the hope I was sure I had...

I'm too old to learn how to talk all over again,
But I should tell you soon
That you are in love with fog personified,
If you could even call this personhood.
Let's just stop at fog.

You are in love with Fog.

OTTO

Thought we were drowning our demons of dread,
Numbing those figures slouched over.
But I guess I was just hiding hatred:

I saw you walking, your arms swung too far
And I felt your cheek clenched in my teeth.
Growling and laughing and filling you in on the last 5 years-
I held you down and I deserved it
For passing you by every night for nearly a decade.
So I left you there with blood in your stupid parka collar.
And I could sleep again.

I will never have kids,
But I would name you Otto.

2002-2003

Last time I shaved my head, I was 16 and I flinched whenever someone touched me. I didn't look people in the eyes and I couldn't get anything substantial out of my mouth... my stories all ended with "nevermind" before they began.

My friends started hugging me once in a while, and then more often. And one by one we all began kissing each other on the lips when we saw each other, like an honest family. They listened faithfully as I choked out half-words and stumbled over myself. My twitches faded and I learned how to speak. They taught me everything.

I spent a winter, 3 years ago, crying every night, because I felt I could never repay them. I had to stop smoking pot because I felt crazy.

/ / / / / / / / / /

"i feel like we're gonna die in here"

OCEAN FLOOR

this dead apartment

houses our confused faces.

lonely hands and long stares,

holding nothing but years

of deteriorating history.

i'll crawl through this trench

we created over and over again,

but this ocean floor was never

built fer two.

/ / / / / / / / / /

EASTER CITY

let's point our flashlights at the moon

and never stop running.

this land is our land, and these dreams

have never been so good.

so now its back to the bottoms of rivers.

to uninterrupted fields,

rapidly reclaiming what once was theirs.

the expiration of urban sprawl.

these treetops will hide our history,

while the forest floor keeps us warm.

year after year, we'll watch

as roots divide these parking lots,

like pushing through dead pavillions.

crowds of children watch while we self-destruct.

how long can this body last?

how long will she stay?

BLUEBERRY ISLAND

six years of swimming in these oceans

has really slowed me down.

we're high as water-towers and

sleeping with flies.

i swear, yer the last tree i'll ever cut down.

SOAP / SAND

Written Portions of Scientific Method Series

P R O B L E M :

I've kept a different dirty secret from each one of you,
And I've skirted the responsibility of loving you for this long,
But your pain is catching up with your wits
And I don't know if I have the energy to say No anymore.

- - - - - - - - - -

H Y P O T H E S I S :

I think it's all going to catch up with me,
But I've never been one to look ahead.
It's hard enough lying through today
Without knowing what I'll have to hide tomorrow.

- - - - - - - - - -

E X P E R I M E N T :

- Keep conscious in company
- Show interest occasionally
- Engage in conversation when questioned
- Personal hygiene
- Keep in contact with family and friends
- Laugh in company
- Change clothes daily
- Acknowledge romantic advances
- Go to sleep voluntarily (before dawn)
- Have a plausible reason when spending money
- Look forward
- Believe in happiness
- Ignore death and dying

- - - - - - - - - -

O B S E R V A T I O N S :

Good Grief
Witch King
Extreme Apathy
Holy Hell
Lone Wolf
Drugs
ssenippaH ,evoL ,ecaeP
Dead Inside
Quality of Life

- - - - - - - - - -

C O N C L U S I O N :

You are the only people I've ever really known,
Or maybe this is the first time in our lives that we have had something worth knowing.
If any of you die, I will ______________________.

- - - - - - - - - -